The accompaniment

HOW FREAKIN' CUTE IS THIS?!?!

on the nature of love...

or, at least the expression thereof.

i've never understood, and understand even less now, why the greatest expression of love that most men can muster is the willingness to beat people up and/or shoot at people? or why other people seem to think that is an admirable sentiment? i don't know. it's part of a larger question that i touched on with my post on violence as a tool of instruction. violence and the willingness to do violence as a admirable quality. *shrug* you know, of course, i would defend my life and the lives of my wife and child, but i don't go around crowing about my ability to do so. nor, do i hold that up as the shining example of my love for my family. i mean, in a lot of ways, that's like bragging about graduating from high school, or not having a prison record, or taking care of your kids (yes, i am channeling chris rock and i am proud of it). crack fiends in jail graduate from high school. so what? the same holds true for defending your family or your home or whatever. of course you would defend your home. do you want a cookie? if you want to be a father then you have to show up every single day and pull your weight. i mean, love is washing your kids diapers (without using kitchen gloves by the way--how much of a stud am i?). love is apologizing for losing your patience with him at three in the morning. love is the details of life not the grand gestures. to be honest, grand gestures are easy. they're so easy they've become cliche. they've become so cliche that if i go into a flower shop to buy flowers on a day that isn't a holiday, i can bet money on the clerk asking me what i did. i mean, they are nice, don't get me wrong. coming home with a new toy for the baby or flowers for the wife. yeah, that stuff is nice and you should do that every once in awhile. that may be what your child remembers, but it isn't how you prove your love, and your child will understand that when they become parents--the way i did. thanks pops. 'preciate ya, ma. i am beginning to understand the lifelong dedication it takes to raise kids and have a successful family.

dichotomies...

spare the rod, spoil the child. why does it have to mean whupping the shit out of your kid? why can't it just mean, "be disciplined, be steadfast?" you don't have to hit your kids to get your point across and believe it or not, more often than not, it just gets in the way of the lesson you're trying to impart. violence should be reserved for expressions of rage (be it passionate or cold-blooded)--violence should not be used as a tool of instruction. at least, not in the general case...if your field of exploration is a naturally violent one then violence has a place as an instructional tool (soldiers, pirates, ninja warriors, etc.).

and, on the other hand, why can't parents BE the damn parents? why can't they look at their child and say, "you know what, i understand that you're upset. you're going to have to get over it." i'm pretty sure that i say that to elijah every single day. i say it because i'm the parent, and i set the boundaries that govern his life. i engage elijah in the decisions that create his day, in as much as i can--he's one and a half. it is something that we will do more of as he becomes older and can understand reason. but, that engagement comes with the caveat that you have proven and continue to prove that you can handle that kind of responsibility. i mean, i think that it is just as bad and wrongheaded to be a dictator in a child's life as it is to give them too much freedom. being a parent is like constantly walking a tightrope that you can't see. parenting is a constant process of letting go.

being a good parent isn't about a system or a book (though i will be the first to admit that books and systems and lots and lots and lots of advice is helpful). i think being a good parent is absolutely the same as being in a good relationship. it's about honesty, trust and communication. it's about understanding who YOU are before you try to understand the anyone else. it's about understanding that you'll never be able to hold them as close as you do on the day that they're born, and you have to be ok with that.

My little man...

the other day i was outside of a restaurant with elijah--he'd been freaking out because he didn't understand that he couldn't have the french fries from another table. to be honest, i don't understand why we can't have them either, but there you have it. anyway, i was outside with him and this elderly couple walk by and the wife says, "oh what a pretty boy!" she looks at me and says, "oh, i'm sorry. i meant what a handsome boy. we don't call little boys pretty." she smiles and goes on her way. that's happened a lot...i guess i shouldn't be puzzled by it--i find that 7 years later, i'm still astounded by how different the world outside of warren wilson is. it never would have ever occurred to me to care whether or not someone called my son beautiful, pretty, handsome or whatever.

erin and i were talking about gender issues and identity today. i was saying that i never really know what to say to people when they say something like, "oh, he's just being a boy." elijah is incredibly sensitive to our moods and our attitudes. i can't help but think that he would easily pick up behavioral double standards. being an ass isn't acceptable, i don't care what your gender is. but, it frightens me to think about how far this attitude and double standard can push our tolerance. i don't know. maybe i'm complicating the issue, but i don't think that a lot of people really think about what casual words like that mean to a brand new mind. elijah is like an antenna hooked up to an amplifier. he takes what we say and do, distills it, and incorporates it into himself. he's even begun to mimic the way i stand at rest. how can i not pay more attention to how we approach gender identity? at what point does biology end and socialization begin?

like i said, maybe i'm overthinking the issue, but it is something that i worry about.

*chuckle*

another elijah list...

1) oftentimes, elijah will disguise the fact that he wants to bite your finger by kissing your finger 2-4 times. woe to the unwary bearer of the finger for the hunter hunts.

2) elijah still cannot tell time despite my best efforts.

3) elijah is much more amenable to my fatherly dictums if i am holding a cookie. in fact, it is required.

4) elijah has slept through a fire alarm. i find this dangerous yet admirable.

5) elijah will not apologize for taking up WAY more than his fair share of space in bed. as a matter of fact, he thinks you should be grateful for the opportunity to smell his night farts.

6) elijah will never apologize for his night farts.

7) elijah believes that if you are not vigilant then everything that follows is YOUR fault.

8) "uh-oh" covers anything and excuses everything.

9) elijah's eating habits rivals those of european aristocracy.

10) i don't think that elijah enjoys a ruckus as much as he enjoys seeing us run frantically.

*chuckle*

froggie

i have come to the realization that parenthood is a process of letting go. letting go of future plans that made SO MUCH sense a few months ago...letting go of anger and disappointment when things go another direction...letting go of righteousness and replacing it with a budding wisdom.

my son is growing up. i mean...of course, he's growing up. that sounds stupid to say out loud, but it's just that it's happening so fast. elijah is growing up. it's almost like trying to hold sand with a sieve. you're powerless to stop this little entity from growing and becoming, but you want so desperately to hold on to what you have now. you want so much to just slow things down so that you can enjoy the child you have before you're faced with the child to come. elijah IS growing up.

today was erin's play group day, and there are always goodies in the kitchen when she gets back and today was no exception. i crow over finding chocolate chip cookies on the counter and, unthinkingly, grab one. erin clears her throat and i look at her. she looks down. i look down to find the little guy standing there, staring at me, waiting patiently for his share of my cookie that is his by right. i look down and he says, "hi," with his hand outstretched. i can deny him nothing. he wanders off munching HIS share of my cookie in search of the elusive blue ball, and i think to myself, "where did this little fella come from?" i look at him and i see the infant that was and the child that is becoming...things move on but it has always been my experience that time did you the courtesy of moving slowly so that you forgot what once was even as you leave it behind.

months and months ago, there was once a toy named, aptly, froggie. froggie was not special, but he did make elijah laugh on long car trips. one day, erin was out with our rachel (and her maya rose) when froggie was lost to us. elijah hardly noticed but erin called me in tears. at the time, i didn't really get it. he's got plenty of toys and, hey, he didn't notice. but, it was important to erin so it was important to me.

froggie was a corporeal embodiment. froggie was elijah's infancy. froggie was just a little piece of the infant that was and preserving him was important to us...it allowed us to hold that infant close while the toddler was learning to climb kitchen cabinets and take off his diaper. :p

i miss that frog.